A while back, I saw a photo on Pinterest that said, Stop doing things for your children that they can do for themselves. With it was a picture of a girl having her hair and teeth brushed by her mom.
Being the naturally insecure, everything I do is probably wrong woman that I am, I shuddered a little. I brush my ten year old’s hair. Like, almost every night.
She can do it herself, but often times she brings me her brush and asks me to. At bedtime, she’ll hop on my bed, or I’ll hop on hers, and I’ll brush out the knots out while we chat and giggle. She might mention a certain boy and I might tell her an embarrassing story from my childhood. Then, as I begin to braid her hair, “Tightly, please, Mommy,” I tell her, once again, how I adore her thick locks and that I would kill for my thin hair to be as thick and gorgeous as hers. She smiles, still at the age where she is allowed to visibly enjoy a compliment. Then, I’ll tuck her into bed, pray over her and give her a kiss. Usually, she’ll pray for me, too.
Sometimes, she’s not ready to fall asleep and ask me to “give her something to think about.” Because an idle mind in a dark room late at night can wreak havoc. So I’ll give her a scenario. “What if our entire world was made of candy? What would everything be made from?” Or, “Pretend you’re opening your own business. What is it called? What do you do?”
Or, because she is my child that loves to give, “What would you do with a million dollars? Who could you help?”
Then, she’ll give me a scenario and we’ll promise to discuss them in the morning.
Eventually, I get to go to bed myself. Often forgoing brushing my own hair, because I’m so dang tired. And really, with hair this thin, it can wait til morning.
Then, a few months ago, my Grandpa passed away. The day he passed, we were all at my Grandma’s house, sitting with her. We talked and cried and sat and said nothing. At some point, the conversation got around to hair or children, or something because I heard myself saying, “I still brush and braid Soleil’s hair every night. But I know I should stop because she knows how to do it herself,” This I added because I had just seen that picture on Pinterest and was feeling like I was probably screwing up.
“And you don’t think she likes that?” My Grandma asked as if she was talking to a very small child.
I looked at Grandma’s weary face and nodded. “She loves it.”
“Well then.” She said. All at once, I saw the wisdom of the 86 years she’d lived. The 67 years of marriage. The four children she had raised. And I knew. I knew that if she could go back and brush and braid their hair and snuggle with them at night, she would. She’d probably make their bed for them on a busy morning, too, just because she loved them. Even though they could and should do it themselves.
And I knew, too, that one day, I would be done raising my kids and I would long for those moments when I was able to do little things for them. I knew that my daughter would not grow up to be a stunted adult who couldn’t braid hair. I knew that, God willing, she would someday have daughters of her own and sit on their beds and brush and braid their hair and giggle about boys and remember when her Mommy had done the same for her. And I vowed to stop reading stupid infographics and allowing them to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong.
In this super-informed, super-aware, super-self-analyzing world we live in, it’s easy to doubt every move we make as mothers. When I had my first baby, I did not read blogs. There was no Pinterest. I did every thing based on instinct. Years later, I started to read parenting books and I learned phrases like “Attachment parenting” and thought, “Oh that’s what I was doing!” It was pretty interesting to learn there was a whole movement involved with how I’d raised my babies. But when I was in the thick of it? I had no idea.
Sometimes I think we need to go back to those days. I’m all for learning and bettering ourselves, and arming ourselves with information. I’m a homeschool mom! I write a blog! But I also want to remember to parent by instinct. The basis of my decisions should not come from articles or infographics, or what the mom blogger I admire does. It should come from the instinct God put in me. To love my children. To find out what makes them tick. To meet their needs. To lead them to God. That’s the good stuff of motherhood.
All that other stuff? It’s just icing. Take it or leave it.
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Jaime says
This made me cry! Society is so worried that we are raising our kids to be “soft” and expecting other people to do things for them. And somehow this is supposed to empower them. I agree with you that we should teach them to be loving and enjoy moments as much as possible because they are fleeting. You’re Grandmother is very wise 🙂
Linda says
Yes!
Lisa says
Thank you for this!!
Edith says
I’m almost forty with three children under six. Every time I visit my mom, I still ask her to brush my hair.
Ruthie says
<3 Edith ~ Please don't ever stop – as long as your mom is able – to ask her to brush your hair! How beautiful. How intimate that time with her! How precious that your children get to see this and then, in turn, know that you will do the same (or something similar) for them… all the days of your life.
My mom passed away about 6 weeks ago. I am lost.
Rachel says
Sorry for your loss. Sending much love
Ruthie says
Thank you, Rachel! Time has passed… I still miss my mother, but I’m thankful for sweet moments (like the ones in this story) of sweet time with my children and grandchildren. We all need to care for one another in loving acts of kindness! 🙂
Helen says
Beautiful xxxx
Leianne says
This was a lovely post. I had boys and am guilty of the same kind only different things. They are now adults and great kids. Never any serious problems. My mom was always too busy to brush my knotty curly hair but my grandma never was. When she passed its one of the things I missed most about her. She grabbed a. Mob and would sit me in front of her while she watched tv when I was in my 20’s.
Thank you.
Kevin says
Seriously? So many people take everything ever written and said so literally they lose sight of the meaning. Brushing your hair to get ready to go out is a skill that should be learned and practiced by young ones. When your child jumps up on your bed and asks you to brush it for her, she’s not asking you to “brush her hair”, she asking you to spend time with her, to love her and talk with her. Brushing her hair is only the excuse to get the other things. She loved the time you spent brushing it for her when she couldn’t, so she wants it to continue because the bonding ritual was in place. I totally agree that we should not be doing for our kids what they can do for themselves. But the only way to miss what the child is actually asking for is to be too wrapped up in yourself or putting priorities over your child. I loved doing things for my kids as they grew up, but I far more enjoyed teaching them how to do it for themselves and then watching them achieve it. I hated watching the struggle they had to learn some things, but I let them struggle to become independent. THEN we celebrated their success. For something like brushing teeth, kids can learn early, but it has been shown that they will not do a good enough job at it. To prevent problems, it IS best to brush for them, but I let them do it first for themselves and then followed up the brushing with, “the dentist said I need to do this because we don’t want those cavities to sneak in”. I am not claiming to be the perfect parent. I made tons of mistakes. I was just taken back by the need for an article on this.
Kevin says
I just want to be sure I was clear. I am in full favor of “brushing her hair” even though she is capable. My point is that it isn’t getting her hair brushed that she desires, it’s interaction with her parent. That should be FREELY given. YES! Brush her hair. It brings comfort. It brings every warm feeling she remembers from every time you brushed it for her. Yes, she should learn to do it for herself, but don’t miss the opportunity to share love over “she can brush her own hair”. What I wanted to be clear about, is that when she asks you to brush her hair, she wants to be close. Whether or not you actually brush her hair is immaterial to this situation. It is only her way of seeking out that loving moment.
Kathy says
Totally agree! As a teacher, I’ve seen first hand the helplessness that comes from parents doing everything for their kids. (There were many sixth-graders I had that never had cleaned their own rooms.) But obviously doing something with your child that creates a special moment or connection is a positive thing. It’s not either or, it’s use your maturity to figure out which response is appropriate.
Michelle says
I agree with you 100%!!!
Elizabeth says
This is exactly how I plan to be with my children! Texas them to do things and then celebrate their success. Bond with them in special moments and be a parent by instinct!
Deana says
I’m a teacher of 3-6 year olds… The key is what you said first, “she can do it herself”. Enjoy your babies, mine are all grown and gone… But don’t handicap them. The difference between desiring you to do it for them and needing you to do it for them is a big one! Send them out from you with the appropriate level of independence.
Therese.G says
Well said miss deana?!! Totally agree!!
Dayna Bickham says
This is sweet and totally okay. I think some have missed the point. The purpose of this is article is that outside pressures shouldn’t change your instinctual parenting style. Comparison kills confidence. Secondly, we should spend time with our kids showing them how to serve others. Finally, enjoying our children and allowing them to remain kids as long as we can is not a bad thing. The world pushes for kids to grow independent too early and too often. Modelling community, relational integrity and love are much more important lessons than independence. No one needs to teach a child independence. The moment they discover they are separate from Mom and then they learn the word no, they are learning independence. Why are we correcting a woman sharing her heart for her kids when this world is full of mom’s who do not have a heart for their children, but instead prefer their boyfriends, their drugs, or their jobs? Too often we are more concerned about getting our opinions heard that we forget to listen to people’s hearts. Keep going girl, your daughter will thank you for it one day.
Linda says
Very well said!
Angelica says
I agree! Let a momma show some vulnerability. The author seems completely capable and understanding of the difference between teaching a skill and loving her child. This world is tough but it’s not black and white… Let her/me/you/them/us love and parent as tenderly as our instinct dictates. Peace
tammy raffield says
The writer was sharing her realization that the small things are really the big things. for herself and her daughter, hair brushing was also an act of love. i teach preschool children and the ones who are most ready to learn new skills are the same ones who get the most love and attention at home. a perceptive caregiver is immediately aware of which children get the least attention, and also which children are being pushed and shoved competitively into excelling in areas that they simply are not developmentally ready for in order to meet some adult’s need for gratification..
Maridy says
Right on! When my oldest (now 10) was about 4-6 months old, I started following the advice I read in books about putting her to bed awake but drowsy rather than letting her fall asleep in my arms to help her learn to sleep better in her crib. And then we’d be out at church or something and she’d fall asleep in someone else’s and I would feel downright jealous that they got to hold her while sleeping and I didn’t. It didn’t take too long for me to ask myself what in the world I was doing! I WANTED my baby to fall asleep in my arms. I WANTED to cuddle her and snuggle her while she slept peacefully on me. I didn’t care that she might not sleep so well in her own bed later on. I was not about to give that up just because some book told me to! And yes, she was three years old before she consistently slept through the night. Fast forward to her little sister. Did I change anything with the second one? Nope! I snuggled, and cuddled, and held to my heart’s content and she almost always fell asleep in my arms. And here she is, 3 years old and just now learning to sleep through the night without mommy. And I wouldn’t give up all those memories for anything! Oh, and my 10 year old? I still braid her hair at night for her, too! One day she’ll stop asking me to and I’ll miss it.
Caren Birt says
Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes. There are days when I still pour my 9yo’s cereal, I still read aloud to him every night, and he loves it. It’s not that he can’t do those things, or doesn’t do them himself sometimes, it’s about the quality time together, the attention, the demonstration of love. Thanks for sharing!
Carolyn says
Beautifully written! I could not agree more! Our daughters need to feel the connection that only mothers can give to them. I will never stop telling my daughters they are beautiful, I will never stop giving them too many kisses and I will never stop reminding them that I love them. We are the ones teaching them how to love and nurture, why skimp on the greatest loves we will ever know! Keep on braiding, momma!
Yvonne says
Yes! I totally agree. Love this post. I totally agree that to parent effectively and kindly, we need to learn to connect with what feels right for us, not what someone else says we should do. I’d call that intuition rather than instinct, but overall I think we’re talking about the same thing.
Your Grandma is a wise woman!
Jody Smith says
I saw that article too and didn’t even finish reading it. I knew it would just be another post shaming me for doing things for my kids, for not teaching them to be independent, to pushing them to adulthood and I just couldn’t… Your post is beautifully written and I could not agree more with ! Enjoy every moment !
Tricia Pease says
Wonderful article. Thank you!
Cortney says
One of my very favorite memories is my mom brushing my hair while I watched “the muppets” on Saturday nights. Both were special treats that I looked forward too all week… I only have sons now so I will not be able to do that as a mom, which is kinda sad.
Katie says
This was a wonderful post! Thank you for writing it. We buried my baby girl yesterday and I wish more than anything in the world I could sit and brush her hair at 10 years old. My 3yr old still asks to fall asleep in my arms every night and although I’ve been told she needs to be in her own bed and learn to fall asleep by many, I won’t ever say no to her asking me to cuddle up with her at naptime and bedtime. You are perfectly right and doing a great job! A mommy’s instinct is so much more important than what the world tells us.
Claire says
Katie, my heart is breaking for you. Thank you for being so encouraging to all of us in the midst of what you’re going through.
Angela says
Katie, I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 🙁 Praying for you this morning.
Brianna says
I loved this! I read a little thing not long ago that said something along the lines of, “Of all the mothers in the world, God gave your kids to you!” You know what’s best for you and your family. My kids most nights still find there way to my bed. I know so many people that don’t allow that at all, but when I wake up in the morning and there aren’t any kids in my bed because they actually managed to sleep through the night, it usually makes me a little sad.
Jenna Rutland says
I totally agree! I did many things for my kids while they were growing up. Yes, many of those things they could have done on their own. But I knew my days of caring for my children wouldn’t last forever. Most of my friends thought I was spoiling my kids. They kept quiet when I said that my kids didn’t demand or even expect me to do these things, and they always thanked me and said they appreciated it. And now my kids are grown. They are two of the most amazing adults who are incredibly responsible, have great jobs, and still thank me to this day for the way they were raised. Would I do it over this way? Absolutely!
kristin says
I love this 🙂
Melissa says
Exactly!!!! I want to raise healthy, independent, free thinking and LOVING girls. I don’t want them to grow up in a cold “you can do it yourself” environment. I know my daughter can unload the dishwasher herself, but I also know that she LOVES for me to help her and it has NOTHING to do with not wanting to do it herself. Two words I have decided to focus on – Balance and Grace. We must have balance and we must show grace. I could go on and on… LOL Thank you for sharing!!!
Tamara says
What a lovely article. Thank you for voicing what I feel, yet struggle with at times because it’s not how I’m “supposed” to feel.
Meg says
Every once in a while my 16yr old still asks me to brush her hair…I’m thrilled when it happens, even though it usually means its so snarled she just doesn’t want to deal with it.
Fauneil Purcell says
Thank you. Just, thank you.
Kelly says
I love this! We rush through life, being told our kids should ‘grow up!’ and we’re made to feel weak for helping our children or being kind to them… I love this post! Also, I read you’re info in song so we must be destined to be bff 😉
Allison says
Stories such as these are great in therory, but it’s just not realistic with moms of multiple children who share rooms. I have 6 kids that share 2 rooms. I feel such guilt when reading such stories. But kiddos to those who can make these memories with your kids.
Caitie says
I started reading this thinking “ugh, she’s going to tell me to stop brushing my daughters teeth!”. Then I kept reading….color me wrong and impressed! Thanks for this 🙂
Brad says
Great article. We need to just become real parents, not the products of Pinterest and parenting books that make us feel guilty. That is why I started my own blog as well.
Coffeemom says
What a heartfelt article. I have at times read things online or in parenting books. However the more I read the more I notice that these books are not written by parents of kid, but by so call doctors who do not have any kids. I still brush my daughter (12) hair. My husband and I still allow our 2 year old to snuggle and fall asleep in our arms before we put him in the crib. Life is too short to worry if you parenting right. If your child is well behaved in public and happy what more matters? Kuddos to the parents out there that let the kids be kids. I have had friend (without kids or children younger then mine) try to tell me how to parent my children. What may work for them doesn’t mean it will work in my house or your house. Thank you for your wonderful article.
Gale says
It is beautiful to know a Mothers heart like my own. Thank you for sharing this and I am looking forward to hearing more !
Four Swede says
This is absolutely beautiful! It’s so easy to second-guess ourselves, right?! But we rarely go wrong by doing something that feels so right (especially something backed by a strong relationship with your child!) This was amazing – thank you!!
Nicole says
I have two eigth graders, one junior and one senior in high school. I still make their lunches every morning. I know they can do it themselves but I like to do it. I like adding that touch of love to their day with a special thing just for them in the little brown paper bags. I won’t get to do this forever, or the myriad of other little things I know they can do for themselves. I also know they are strong, kind, responsible, and capable human beings who will be just fine out in the big world on their own. They’re growing up and soon will grow away from me. I will cry on the last day of my kids schooling while I make that last lunch. I’ll take every little ounce of pleasure from being their mama I can get, even if it”s just making their sandwich just how they like it.
Pam says
I do the same thing for my eighth grader and sophomore! I have a relative that continuously preaches the independence of her kids the same age. I ignore it because I know that my little act of love every morning by packing a lunch can carry through their day. And when my self-doubt monster creeps in, I step back and remind myself that I only have them a few more years, so if I want to pack their lunches then I should!
Francis says
Hello, Just wanted to say that I found your article to be endearing! “Mommy and me time” if you will. Though truly endearing, at the same time it may lead some to think it’s ok to do “Everything” for their kids. Such a person is at risk regarding the dynamic of delegation putting the parent child relationship out of balance… Bonding with your child during the early years of development is necessary and while doing for them, they need to understand that you are being a blessing to them but that you won’t always be available to them and they must do for themselves with the same effort and responsibility as the parent has done or delegates to do.
I am a widower with 3 daughters who are fully grown now. I’ve had them on my own since they were 11, 13 & 15 born in 1983, 86, 89. The two youngest still live at home. My wife was a stay at home mom. Their relationship was one of being a Super Best Friend Mom. She would literally do everything for them. Our biggest area of arguments had to do with her not delegating when it came to chores, Cleaning room, making beds, sweeping floors, cleaning bathroom, kitchen, picking up dishes etc… In the early years she would always say “its just faster and easier if I don’t, plus I want to do it for them”… I had always maintained it had the potential to backfire!!!…. And backfire it did, on me! After her death, when I came home nothing was ever clean, even after threatening their free time, computer time, weekend time. Nothing I did motivated them. I did get help from the little one who worked side by side with me. The teens attitude for a long time was one of “You do it, you’re the parent”… The moments of bonding are memory builders and every opportunity should be sought out…but please encourage your readers while doing for their children, that Delegating is absolutely necessary. Even step away to see what they accomplish and come back with encouragement and critiquing if necessary.
Thanks for listening… for the record, this is from my perspective. I’m sure those teens who are now adult Women may have a different perspective. I’m just sayin… (f)
Francis says
*** “faster and easier if I do it” ***
Sheila Sullivan says
Beautiful blog! Thank you for reminding us to let God be our leader. He truly guides us. I am so thankful for this post; I don’t often lose sight of what a blessing my babies are (6, 10, and 15), but it is lovely when reading something like this makes my heart flutter and I cry out to God and thank Him for such precious gifts. God bless you! And thank you!
Shelby says
Beautiful post… Well then. Two words now permanently etched in my heart. Thank you, very wise Gramma! As an empty nester of 3, I was very moved by your comment regarding “parenting by instinct.” I had NO IDEA what I was doing half the time, and was probably better off for it. Pinterest and blogging may have significantly drained my self-esteem. I also blog for moms now and I try to share from the heart the lessons of accepting ourselves as loving moms who do the best we can with the children God blessed us with. Our journeys are different in countless ways, but oh so similar with LOVE being the common heartstring uniting all of us.
Larisa says
Thank you for the blog, just brilliant and thank you everyone for you comments, I have really enjoyed this, I very rarely read parenting type blogs but I stumbled across this on Facebook and I am very pleased I did.
Tulay says
I so feel like that and despite the very many judging eyes I continue to do those small acts that are sign of pure love and a beautiful way of connecting. Thank you.
Ann says
Omg, your daughter’s name is Soleil? Mine too! Just had to share 🙂
JenC says
I just came across this post on FB. Coincidentally, our daughters share the same name! My 9 year old actually wants me to wash her in the bathtub and apply lotion afterward. Once I was sure she was able to do this for herself, I came to appreciate the bonding that comes through skin comtact and conversation. I know she won’t want this forever, but while she still asks me to wash her back or feet, I will, because she really wants to chat and be close.
Mary F says
This was a lovely reminder, time moves so fast, my baby is 20, we still snuggle in the morning, she spent the first freshmen semester 12 hours away , they came home for the second, I felt sad for her and “Guilty happy” for me, I think she loves it either way (and that makes me happy too) I heard that song from Happy Chapin the other day, “Cat’s in the Cradle” No child or nobody will look down on you and say, “She just loved too much” , my mom always said she wished she could, ” time travel back and hug her little ones…” I think of that often.
Thank you.
Amanda says
i am a firm believer that the parents who push independence from an early age end up with the exact opposite. The ones whom you keep close through attachment parenting (i too did this before i knew there was a “name” for what was just instinct to me) end up being more independent because they feel safe so they on their own want to go explore the world. Everything is a balance of course, but your grandmother is very wise.
Linda says
YES!!!
Clare says
I have six children and all of them are different in every way but one …… the love , encouragement and emotional/physical support that myself and my husband give them all. I’m trying to say that they have all been raised the same way but are all different in every way. My youngest is 5 now but I still have to sleep with him to get him off to sleep a rod for my own back everyone said and it does concern me and I mentioned this to my nan who replied ” do you hear other people saying that they still have to sleep with there children when there 18 ” no I didn’t I said so she looks at me and smiles and replies ” they all need love and hugs and encouraging when little but they do go to sleep on there own eventually some quicker than others but they do…..that’s why you shouldn’t worry or listen to others and just enjoy them while you can “. My nan is a very wise woman. So I don’t worry about what others say and I know that eventually I won’t have to cuddle him to sleep and when I don’t have to i will want to x
Allison says
This is beautiful. Thank you for writing this. <3
Mary says
My daughter is a 32 year old pharmacist with 2 small children. There are days i still go sit and braid her hair. It is a small pleasure we both enjoy .
esther says
Hard working Mom, hanging here reading this post with my 4-year-old daughter. We have been co-sleeping with our almost 5-year-old daughter and almost 7-year old son since birth. In this busy world, it remains a wonderful comfort for our family. Not much matters but this moment.
Kellie says
My 5 year old always wants me to feed her. I asked her why, and she said, “Because it gives me comfort, Mommy.” You know what? Gonna feed her till she’s 20. She can do it herself. She does it at school. But, at home, Mommy gets to give her comfort by feeding her.